elijah's journey to us (part 2 of 3)

About a week after I found out we were pregnant, we still had not told anyone the good news. I was sitting at my cubicle at Comcast, still reeling from the feeling that I was going to be a mommy! When I started to get sharp pains in my abdomen, I chalked it up to stomach problems. For those who know me well, I have had stomach problems often, especially from stress or eating certain foods. I was no stranger to this discomfort. But this pain went from discomfort to laying on the Comcast bathroom floor, writhing and curled up in the fetal position. I was able to drive myself home and I tried to go to sleep to sleep off the pain. The whole time I did not think this pain was from the baby. I thought it was a really bad stomach episode. It got so bad that I finally gave in to Chad and we made our way to the ER. They started me on pain medication right away which helped tremendously. As they ran different tests, they all came out fine. Then came the ultrasound. I will never forget the technician's face as she looked at the screen that displayed the image of my uterus. I asked if she saw anything and she gulped and said that she could not be sure, but something was wrong. Nevertheless, I was told that I had to be taken off the pain medication and sent home because the OB would see me the next morning, as it was 3am. I did not sleep at all because the pain was so bad.

We went to the OB the next day and he examined me and also looked at my tests from the hospital. He said there were two things that COULD be wrong. First was that I had a cyst on my ovary that ruptured and in which case I would need to have surgery to clean it up. And that surgery would most likely make me lose the baby I was carrying. So at that point, tears were streaming down my face. Second was that the ultrasound showed no baby in my uterus, which could mean that it is still too small for the ultrasound to see or that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which the doctor believed was the situation. In this case, he would have to operate to save my life and I would lose the baby. Neither of these possibilities were happy ones and all meant that I would have to have surgery and lose the baby. I was breaking down mentally and emotionally. The Lord spoke through Chad that day, as he was able to calm me, to a point, and help me understand that again, this situation is not in my control. God has control of this and whatever the outcome, it is His omniscient will that will pave the way to what happens to me next. I could do nothing and had to trust Him.

As each of our family members had to find out that I was pregnant, but had to have surgery and would lose the baby, it was a lot of information to get in one phone call. Chad's parents and my mom were at the hospital in no time. As I laid in the surgery prep room waiting to go in, a wonderful nurse saw me hysterically crying. The nurse let Chad in to be with me even though he was not allowed to be in there. I had never even broken a bone before, so I was scared out of my mind. Chad has a calming effect on me so it helped to have him there. Then they wheeled me in and put me under. I remember waking up and feeling frigidly cold. I had hot towels all around me, but I was shaking uncontrollably. The OB came in and told me what had happened. There was a cyst and it had ruptured, but also took a piece of my ovary with it, which made my ovary bleed uncontrollably. By the time he operated, he had to clean up the blood to even see what was wrong. Then he saw that my ovary was actually healing itself! When he went to look for the baby in my fallopian tubes (because he believed that I had an ectopic pregnancy), he didn't see anything. But if the baby was in my uterus, the surgery would have made me lose it for sure. I lost so much blood that I needed to stay a few days to see if I needed a blood transfusion. So much information to take in and none of it was good. I felt like I was being punched in the face over and over with no recovery time. But that was about to change.

The next day, while still in the hospital, the OB came in and actually had good news for me. He said that he ran some tests with my blood to see if I was still pregnant and my HCG (pregnancy hormone) numbers were rising! I was still pregnant! What a feeling that was! From despair and sadness to elation in a matter of seconds!! But he said that I should not get excited yet and that I could still lose the baby at any time during the healing process. Another punch in the face. But I still had hope. I hoped that this baby was strong and that he was still holding on and wasn't going to let some doctor push him around. I hoped and prayed that God take care of my baby.

For a few weeks, I was bleeding and felt like I was miscarrying every day. For two weeks I had to wait to see if I was still pregnant. I did not talk to anyone and I pushed my friends away. I couldn't handle the not knowing. I felt so helpless. But again, I had to relinquish control and more importantly, my need to control, over to God. There was nothing I could do. I had to wait and let God sort it out. While it was difficult to do, especially for a control freak such as myself, it was also freeing. I had to hold up my hands and say "God, you take care of this, take care of my baby. But if you take my baby, help me to understand it is in your plan."

So at my 7 week ultrasound to determine if I still was pregnant, it was a nervous time for Chad and I. I desperately wanted to see something on that ultrasound screen. As luck would have it, we had the same ultrasound technician as we did when I went to the ER. And as she was searching the screen for some form of life in my uterus, my heart was ready to leap out of my chest. Then the technician smiled. I never thought the curling up of lips would make me instantly cry, but it did. She pointed to a tiny white light that looked like a grain of rice. And it was blinking. She told us that this light was our baby and that the blinking was the baby's heartbeat!

As I am writing this, I am crying because it was the end of an emotional roller coaster for me that I will never forget. God was again teaching me that I have no control at all. He is in control and He has a plan for me, Chad and our baby. And I need to let go of control.